Intrinsic Rewards

"You like me! You really like me!"

-Sally Field (upon receiving the 1979 Academy Award for Norma Rae)

Much as I tell myself that awards, formal recognition for my art, does not matter - that I paint to express what is inside of me, I still felt a thrill and a warm rush of acceptance and validation when I learned that I had won First Prize in the Chatham Creative Arts Center Spring art show. I felt especially good because the quality of the art in this lovely show was excellent. Frankly, I would have been honored to get any recognition at all when placed with these works. I am honored and grateful for this recognition from a respected artist juror.

After the initial glow (no sign of wearing off yet!), I got to wondering about validation, acceptance and self-acceptance. I have been an active artist now for more than 15 years... most of that time as a part-time art student. Still, after all this time and after having been accepted into quite a few juried shows and actually won awards, I am still not completely comfortable telling anyone I am "an artist." As though I haven't earned that title... So, what would it take to make me feel entitled to that title?

Possibly my hesitation has stemmed from the fact that I have primarily seen myself as someone LEARNING art... learning the techniques, learning to see, learning to express. Since I am a representational painter, whether or not I have learned enough, that is, whether my work is good enough, is readily apparent... and as long as I can see room for improvement, I have a hard time considering the work "art." Although this may be a very restricted view. After all, since Duchamp signed R. Mutt on a urinal, it seems anything goes as "art!"

Although still self-conscious, I am stuttering less when I let that term "artist" roll off my tongue when describing myself. Perhaps because I have a bit more learning under my belt now... or perhaps because I have received external recognition, and so, validation. But mostly, I think it is because I am less afraid. Less afraid to blunder, less afraid to reveal... Maybe I am braver because I am more experienced, or perhaps just because I am more mature in general. In The Art Spirit, Robert Henri writes, "We are living in a strange civilization. Our minds and souls are so overlaid with fear, with artificiality, that often we do not even recognize beauty. It is this fear, this lack of direct vision of truth that brings about all the disasters in the world." I believe that - especially that fear inhibits our ability to see or respond to beauty.

So am I an artist? An artist makes art, sees art in the world around her and, most importantly, feels art in her heart. Whether she sells her art or not does not matter. What matters is that she makes art. By that definition, I say "yes!" I am an artist... and I would tell any other person who wondered the same, "Make art and you are an artist. If you never put it down on paper, canvas, clay or stone, you only have ideas, not art. Your ideas might be brilliant but until it is tangible others cannot enjoy or appreciate your art."

Having said that, it sure does feel good to have some else say they like you, too!

Remembering My Brother

The darkest day I’ve ever been a part of was on May 25, 2009. My world was shattered when I got a phone call from my father who, in tears, told me my only brother had passed away in the night. He was only 53. A crushing loss for my parents... and a deep, permanent wound to me. This Sunday, May 16th, we are having a memorial service to commemorate the first anniversary of his passing. I am with my parents in Chicago for this observance.

I loved my brother, and there isn't a day that I don't miss him in some way or another. Now, a year after his passing, that emotion is less acute - it has become background noise, part of who I am. Except for those occasions when I remember just how much it hurt, and that time is unforgiving. I miss him when I see or hear things that were special to him. For instance, he adored the Beatles... forever humming one of their songs - big hits and more arcane fare alike. He was a 50s western TV show buff, having collected all episodes of The Rifleman, Gunsmoke and The Wild Wild West. And he loved SciFi: a czar on all facts and trivia from Star Trek, The Avengers and The Prisoner... I am sure I will never be able to see any Star Trek episode (or even a Priceline ad!) without tearing up.

So often I think of something I want to tell him - or a trivia question I want to ask him. It kills me because we had so many thing to do still, so many laughs, so many moments we hadn’t shared yet. I’ll never see him old. Everything stopped that day.

The painting pictured here is one I did a few years ago as a father's day present. It was inspired by an old B&W photo from one of our annual family vacations in Union Pier, Michigan. My brother is 2 or 3 years old here. many of my recurring memories of him are from our childhood, - including those summers in Michigan. He was so earnest and so badly wanted to be involved with the older kids - all of us cousins. We gave him short shrift much of the time. I resented the charge I was given to be sure to take care of him and include him in our games. Oh to have a chance at a re-do... or just one more day in which I could tell him how much I loved him!

We read about - and witness -people who are never satisified with having enough in life. My brother Vytautas was the opposite. He loved life. Simple things made him happy. In fact, he was the happiest person I have ever known. All his life, even throughout his adult life, he was like a big kid.

There is a quote from the new testament: John 12:25 “He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal." Meaning people who love life and live authentic, spiritually rich lives will lose their earthly life and go to heaven. Those who hate life are going to hate their eternity as well. If anyone is in heaven, my brother Vytautas is. And I know he is happy...as he always was here.

Far From The Crowd

I have enjoyed starting the full-sized painting of the herring gull I sketched last week.

I usually paint in the traditional way, using a layered oil painting technique. This is the first layer (underpainting). Although not a true grisaille, (I use raw umber straight from the tube, and I use no white), it is monochromatic and helps me define color values for the painting as I proceed. One of the most important aspects of a painting is value and contrast. Correct lighting and dark enough darks. These important aspects can be worked out in a monochromatic underpainting without the problem of wondering what color to use and how to make it the correct shade or value.

I started by drawing in a very rough sketch of the gull (just an outline, really, to get the size and placement set) in conte crayon, then setting this sketch with a fixative. Then I slathered raw umber thinned with turpenoid all over the canvas and wiped it down to a consistent light/mid tone. I like to use raw umber because it is one of the leanest oil paints, so it is suitable for a first layer (remembering the rule of painting fat over lean!) and it dries very quickly - usually overnight.

I then proceeded to develop the image by painting in the darkest darks, blending edges into the mid tone already on the canvas as appropriate, and picking out the lightest lights with a rag moistened with turpenoid. It goes pretty fast and feels very satisfying, since there is a clear and complete image produced in one session.

This composition is very simple, so after I got the gull painted in, there was very little to play with. In a more complex painting, this underpainting stage also provides the opportunity to quickly adjust composition issues that become apparent.

So - as usual for this stage of a painting, I feel pretty good. I like what I see and am looking forward to introducing color. Unfortunately, in my experience, as I move through the layers that are to come, my satisfaction does a bit of a roller coaster: I will, no doubt, have at least one session after which I will not like what I see... hopefully ending at another satisfying point. So... I will enjoy it for now and post my progress next week.

By the way, the working title of this image is Far From The Crowd... what do you think? Is it too cutesy? or just right?